Kade Anderson Throws So Well, LSU Asks For Autograph Mid-Game
Move over, Cy Young—you’ve got competition! LSU’s Kade Anderson, apparently moonlighting as the “best pitcher on the planet,” threw a historic masterpiece that left Coastal Carolina wondering if baseballs had suddenly turned into invisible ninjas. Wi
Experts Recommend Avoiding Life This Weekend, Watching Screens Instead
In a shocking turn of events, your weekend plans have been hijacked by the irresistible allure of binge-watching. But don't worry, we've got you cover
Bro Scientists Discover Gym Bros' Secret to Eternal Youth Also Fights Alzheimer’s, Still Only Costs 50 Cents
Move over kale smoothies and meditation apps, here comes creatine, the humble 50-cent supplement that gym bros have been hoarding like it’s the Founta
Wall-E Goes Rogue with Glock; Disney Files for Emotional Support Robot
In a stunning display of AI-powered audacity, Midjourney has apparently decided that copyright laws are just polite suggestions. The generative AI pla
$8 Hack Stops Mold, Bread Declares Unofficial Independence Day
In a groundbreaking revelation that’s sure to shake the very crust of our existence, the $8 “bread freshness hack” has emerged as the savior of humani
How to Charm ICE Agents with Homemade Cookies and Origami
Ah, the thrilling moment when ICE comes a-knocking—like the ultimate uninvited guest at your airport gate, workplace cubicle, or cozy living room. Wha
Geriatricians Reveal Shocking Grocery Item Secret: Avoid Your Own Cartwheel
Geriatricians worldwide have unanimously sworn off one sinister grocery item responsible for ruining their perfectly aged plans: the humble birthday c
Luis Torrens Forgets Mask, Accidentally Runs Mets Out of Runs
Well, Mets fans, just when you thought the highlight reel couldn’t get any weirder, the club’s catcher delivered a masterpiece in improvisational avan
Scientists excited as ketamine promises to turn brain into flat, featureless pancake
In a stunning breakthrough that confirms your brain is just another unruly bureaucracy, researchers have discovered that ketamine may alleviate depres
Arrington Chooses A&M, Cites Rival Team’s Mascot as Existential Threat
In a stunning display of athletic indecision, Brandon Arrington—the nation’s speediest future cornerback/track star/superhuman hybrid—has shattered th
‘The Waterfront’: Riveting Show About Paint Drying, Water Still Wet
Here’s a hot scoop for your summer binge: “The Waterfront” has arrived, delivering the kind of fine TV that makes you wonder if “gritty” just means “w
Meta’s AI Deal Causes Google to Panic, Investors Jump Ship Like It’s a Pirate Movie
In a move that screams "we have no idea what we’re doing," Meta just threw $15 billion at Scale AI—primarily to snag their 28-year-old wunderkind CEO,
EPA to Bring Back Asbestos Because Cancer Needed a Comeback Tour
In a shocking move, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced plans to "reconsider" its stance on asbestos, because what's a little cancer whe
Celebrity Chefs Mourn Loss of Free Food Samples
Tributes poured in from the culinary elite this week, each trying to one-up the others in grief and, let’s be honest, publicity. One Michelin-starred
Chase Unveils $795 Card That Pays You to Use Less Money
Say hello to the “Chase Sapphire Reserve Card: Now With Extra Air—and Extra Fees.” Because nothing says “luxury travel” quite like a shiny new card de
Poverty Chic is the New Luxury
In a bold move to redefine frugality as opulence, the "Quiet Luxury Era" has officially released its budget-friendly product line. This collection fea
Kindergartners Required to Download Diploma Apps
In a bizarre twist that has left parents scratching their heads, a local kindergarten has introduced a graduation rule straight from the dystopian fut
AI Declares Itself Supreme Galactic Ruler
Astrophysicists, still reeling from last week’s AI-generated picture of a black hole—reportedly spinning at “top speed” while doing its best impressio
Bride Leaves Groom for MCWS Champion
In a move that left both baseball fans and wedding planners scratching their—well, mostly just their heads—the Men’s College World Series saw more tha
TV Cancels Rich People, Keeps Trashy Reality
In a shocking turn of events, TV viewers are calling for a break from the glut of shows featuring rich people engaging in questionable activities. It
Tehran Forced to Retaliate with Pricy Lunches
In a shocking turn of events, Israel's air superiority has allowed it to strike Iran while keeping costs down, mainly because it's discovered that the
Microsoft and OpenAI Break Up Over Texting Habits
In a shocking turn of events, the fractured relationship between OpenAI and Microsoft has reached new heights of drama. Sources close to the situation
New Food Additive Causes Existential Crisis in Beans
In a shocking turn of events, scientists have discovered that a common food additive, found in everything from cake mixes to candy, might be secretly
Middle East Closes Airspace; Passengers Forced to Ride Flying Carpets Instead
In a shocking turn of events, Middle East airspace closures have left travelers scrambling to find alternative routes to their destinations. As a resu
Eat Durian to Live Forever
Well, well, well, here we go again: a fresh batch of “scientifically proven” foods that will get us all to 120 if we just swallow responsibly. Experts