In a shocking move, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced plans to "reconsider" its stance on asbestos, because what's a little cancer when you can have really durable insulation? The decision comes after a thorough review of the definition of "hazardous materials," which apparently includes anything that won't kill you right away.

In a statement, officials praised asbestos for its "unique ability to add a vintage touch to any home renovation project." They also noted its economic benefits, as it can save homeowners from the hassle of frequently replacing non-toxic materials. The EPA has even launched a new slogan: "Asbestos: Because Your Grandparents Were Wrong About Everything."

Critics have responded by suggesting that the EPA might also reconsider its stance on lead paint and radium-infused toothpaste. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the agency said, "Why stop at asbestos? We're considering starting a Kickstarter for a line of asbestos-infused kitchen utensils."