Well, well, well, here we go again: a fresh batch of “scientifically proven” foods that will get us all to 120 if we just swallow responsibly. Experts swear by beans—apparently, consuming a single bean per day is scientifically shown to add four years to your life, but only if you promise to tell everyone you meet about your magical beans. Don’t forget the nuts, which will not only make you nutty but also allegedly tack on two bonus years just for chewing.

And then there’s fermented stuff—kimchi, sauerkraut, yogurt—because, as we all know, nothing says “longevity” like the smell of pickled cabbage lingering in your kitchen for weeks on end. Throw in a cup of bone broth, and suddenly you’ll be outrunning grandchildren at family reunions.

But don’t get too excited. The real secret, according to every health expert since the invention of Instagram, is to eat like your Greek grandparent—but only the one who lived to be 112 and didn’t mind telling you about it every holiday. Just don’t ask about the red wine at breakfast.

Bottom line: eat beans, chew nuts, pickle everything, and remember—you’ll live forever… provided you don’t die of boredom at the dinner table first.