Geriatricians worldwide have unanimously sworn off one sinister grocery item responsible for ruining their perfectly aged plans: the humble birthday cupcake. Sources close to the oldest doctors reveal that this sugar-coated villain singlehandedly accelerates aging by causing instantaneous joy—and joy, as we all know, is a slippery slope to reckless living and premature laughter lines.

Experts say these doctors have taken a militant stance, avoiding not only cupcakes but all baked goods associated with celebrations, including donuts, cake pops, and even suspiciously festive muffins. The rationale? Each bite is a direct assault on AMPK, the mysterious anti-aging enzyme happily activated by kale and barberries but utterly betrayed by frosting.

"We've cracked the code," said one spry geriatrician who claimed his youthful vigor is thanks to a strict no-cupcake policy. "No sugar spikes, no sugar highs, just a steady diet of fiber and ennui."

So, if you want to live to 120 with skin like a finely aged cheddar (minus the mold), ditch that cupcake. Or, as geriatricians put it: "A cupcake a day keeps longevity away." Now, that’s a real health tip no one asked for but everyone is definitely going to ignore.