In a shocking and entirely predictable move, the U.S. and China are reportedly on the verge of a "monumental" split that will either send the world economy into chaos or just make it slightly more annoying to order Chinese food on Sundays. The impending separation is expected to spark a global trade apocalypse, where everything from Apple watches to cheap novelty socks will skyrocket in price, forcing the average consumer to choose between their gadgets and their dignity.

As tensions rise, China is threatening to withhold all exports of General Tso's chicken and fortune cookies, while the U.S. is retaliating by imposing tariffs on all imported pandas. Economists predict that if the split occurs, the global economy will be so badly damaged that people might actually have to start making their own takeout at home, a thought so terrifying that world leaders are scrambling to negotiate a last-minute reconciliation.