"Trump Unveils 'Make Ukraine Great Again' Plan: Kyiv to Host Russian McDonald’s Franchises"
In a bold move to end the war, the Trump administration has proposed a peace plan so one-sided it could’ve been drafted by Putin’s speechwriter. Highlights include letting Russia keep Crimea (“They already have the gift receipts!”), a “robust security guarantee” involving three Luxembourgish interns and a drone from Temu, and handing the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant to the U.S.—because what says “diplomatic trust” like letting the guy who tried to buy Greenland run your reactors?
Ukrainian dignitaries were reportedly handed a terms sheet scribbled on a hotel napkin during a White House visit where Trump praised Zelensky’s “excellent posture for a losing team.” The plan’s lone concession? Unimpeded access to the Dnieper River, now rebranded as “Putin’s Lazy River” with complimentary inflatable tanks.
When asked about NATO membership, a Trump aide clarified, “Best we can do is an expired Groupon for EU consideration.” Meanwhile, Russia has “magnanimously” offered to pause their invasion at current lines, provided Ukraine sends a thank-you note written in crayon.
Critics call it “Yalta 2.0, but with worse catering.” Supporters argue it’s “technically a sentence that exists.” Zelensky’s counterproposal—a lifetime supply of hair gel for Trump and a cease-fire—is pending review.
