Tesla's in such bad shape, you'd need a map to find them on the stock market. Their profits have dropped by a whopping 71%, which is roughly the same percentage of Elon Musk's sanity left after a few too many Twitter rants. In a bizarre move, Musk announced he's focusing more on Tesla, possibly because his side gig as a government efficiency guru didn't quite work out as planned—mainly because cutting government spending by enough to anger every citizen seems like a tough sell.

Tesla's now so desperate, they're selling more regulatory credits than electric cars. It's like they've figured out that making cars is hard, but selling magic pieces of paper that say "Hey, we're kind of environmentally friendly" is where the real money is. Meanwhile, Musk has issued a dire warning that if America sinks, Tesla will sink with it. Guess that's one way to guarantee job security for all Tesla employees—just tie your fate to the country and hope for the best.