Big Tech is in such trouble that Google has been forced to reduce its snack budget by a whole aisle of organic granola bars. In a landmark case, the Department of Justice successfully argued that Google's decision to stock both gluten-free and regular options was an overt attempt to monopolize the world's snacking needs.

Meanwhile, Amazon's attempt to corner the market on cardboard boxes has hit a snag as the FTC discovered that the company had inadvertently created an empire of surprisingly sturdy packing materials. Apple, not to be left out, filed a motion to dismiss allegations that its latest iPhone update included a feature that secretly controlled users' sock drawers.

In related news, the government has announced plans to regulate TikTok's algorithm to prevent it from auto-generating an endless loop of cat videos, which it claims is a threat to national productivity. This comes as part of a broader effort to ensure that Big Tech does not monopolize the world's supply of confusing dance challenges.