In a shocking turn of events, the NCAA has announced that college athletes will not only be paid but will also receive a complimentary island in the Caribbean for each game they win. The move, part of a broader initiative to ensure athletes are compensated for their hard work, includes a clause requiring them to wear jerseys with the names of their favorite fast-food chains on the back. Critics argue that this could lead to a situation where athletes are more focused on their branding opportunities than their actual sport. However, the NCAA claims this will boost morale and increase snack sales during games.

Additionally, over 150 outdated rules have been scrapped, allowing schools to offer benefits like free tuition for their pets and a guaranteed spot in the fantasy football league of their choice. The settlement is seen as a major victory for athletes, who are now looking forward to a future where they can earn enough to buy a decent pair of sneakers without having to sell their autographs on the black market.