Federally funded scientists have finally achieved the impossible: they've managed to keep the coffee machine in the lab running for an entire year without needing to replace it. This monumental achievement is just one of nine federally funded breakthroughs that have changed everything, according to insiders who have clearly never had to deal with office equipment.

Among these groundbreaking discoveries is a new method of teleportation that only works on donuts, solving the age-old problem of how to get snacks to lab meetings without leaving your seat. Another breakthrough involves creating a robot that can predict the exact time when your cat will wake you up demanding food, thus revolutionizing the art of cat-human relations.

The government is also proud to announce that they have successfully developed a machine that can turn thoughts into reality, but only if those thoughts are about bureaucracy, which has led to a dramatic increase in paperwork.