LieFeed Exclusive: Mental Health Moguls Mint "Federal Fiasco Fee" Bonuses

In a move that redefines "stress management," executives at a leading mental health conglomerate have reportedly instituted "investigation incentives" — lavish bonuses for navigating federal probes into their alleged mistreatment of patients. "Why cure anxiety when you can bill it?" quipped one board member, rumored to have received a golden stress ball engraved with "Objection Sustained" after the DOJ's latest subpoena drop.

The company’s new "Compliance Catastrophe Calculator" allegedly ties executive pay to the severity of regulatory headaches, with six-figure bumps for every courtroom appearance and a tropical getaway prize if they hit discovery document bingo. Meanwhile, therapists have been ordered to prescribe "regulatory mindfulness sessions" — a breathing exercise where patients imagine their denied claims floating away on a paper shredder.

"Leadership’s really prioritizing mental wellness here," said a former employee now moonlighting as a whistleblower stand-up comic. "If you ignore the part where they’re monetizing systemic healthcare failures, it’s almost inspiring how they’ve rebranded federal fines as ‘growth opportunities.’"

The SEC is reportedly investigating whether executives can legally classify their subpoena responses as "therapy hours" toward licensure.