In a completely unprecedented turn of events, Israel has reportedly managed to kill dozens of people in Gaza, a feat that surprised exactly no one. According to the Gaza Health Ministry, the attacks have been so effective that local cafes are now offering a free "Explosion Espresso" to commemorate each air strike. As part of their innovative marketing strategy, they're also giving away free "Bomb-Shelter Discounts" to anyone who can prove they've spent at least five hours in a bunker this week.

In an effort to boost morale, Israel has announced plans to build a new theme park in Gaza, complete with rides like the "Airstrike Coaster" and "Refugee Camp Roller." Meanwhile, international observers are scratching their heads, wondering how Israel has single-handedly kept the global condolences industry afloat. Despite the chaos, local residents have expressed gratitude for the exciting new landscaping that comes with each bombing—apparently, craters are the new gardens.