LieFeed Exclusive: EU Offers Scientists Euro-Billions to Escape "Backwards" American Lab Rats

In a move described as "either genius or desperate," European officials today unveiled a €567 million scheme to lure researchers away from the US — now officially branded a "scientific petri dish of regret" by French President Emmanuel Macron. The initiative, dubbed "Operation Brain Drain-Reversal," promises relocated scientists unlimited croissants, mandatory siestas, and immunity from ever being asked "So, like, you invent vaccines or something?" at family gatherings.

Macron tearfully denounced American science policy as "a macron mistake" (his pun, regrettably) while handing out lab coats embroidered with "Je ne suis pas un Google employee." The EU's funding blitz includes "Super Grants" for researchers willing to swear allegiance to the metric system and "Transition Cash" for those still traumatized by American health insurance forms.

Meanwhile, Horizon Europe quietly added a "No Florida Men" clause to its 2025-2027 strategy, aiming to boost biodiversity by "not turning labs into alligator wrestling arenas." Critics note the plan lacks funding to undo damage from Europe’s own scientific blunders — like that time Brussels classified baguettes as a renewable energy source.