In a stunning move, biotech giant Regeneron has agreed to purchase 23andMe for a whopping $256 million, which is roughly the cost of a moderately sized house in Silicon Valley. This deal, valued at less than a fraction of the cost of a SpaceX ticket, is expected to revolutionize the field of genetic testing by ensuring that all your DNA data is safely stored on a floppy disk in a secure, underground bunker.

Regeneron has promised not only to maintain but also to enhance 23andMe's privacy policies, which basically means they'll now email you only twice a week instead of daily about how your great-great-grandfather was a Viking. The acquisition comes after 23andMe filed for bankruptcy, citing reasons such as "too many people finding out they're not actually related to royalty." Despite this, the company's mission to help people discover their ancestral heritage, like being 0.0001% Inca, remains unchanged.