In a shocking turn of events, Starbucks has announced plans to replace its army of robotic baristas with actual, living breathing humans. The company's CEO, Brian Niccol, revealed that this bold move is part of a grand scheme to make customers wait even longer for their overpriced coffee. By hiring more baristas, Starbucks aims to restore the art of manually pouring coffee, ensuring that each cup takes at least 10 minutes longer to prepare. Additionally, the company is scrapping its high-tech drink-making machines to bring back the nostalgia of having baristas spill coffee beans all over the counter while they fumble with manual grinders. As part of this initiative, known as the "Back to the Stone Age" plan, Starbucks will also be introducing a new line of "artisanal" coffee cups made from clay and baked in wood-fired ovens. Analysts predict that this move will not only drive up labor costs but also increase customer satisfaction with the sheer torture of waiting for their coffee.