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In a shocking turn of events, diplomats from the US and Iran managed to sit through three whole meetings without anyone “accidentally” microwaving uranium-enriched burritos. Sources report “cautious positivity” as both sides agreed that nuclear annihilation is, quote, “kinda bad PR.” The talks, held in a Rome conference room suspiciously adjacent to a laser tag arena, nearly collapsed when US envoy Steve Witkoff demanded a “Trump-branded plutonium discount card” and Iran countered by raffling off a “Supreme Leader’s Guide to Sanction Evasion” audiobook.

Oman, the mediator, spent the week forwarding encrypted messages like a geopolitical middle schooler passing notes—though insiders confirm at least one read: “U up? Let’s not WW3.” Meanwhile, Trump’s B-2 stealth bombers loitered near the venue “for vibes,” while Iranian negotiators practiced their best poker faces and suspiciously heavy briefcases. Final sticking points include whether uranium should be capped at “Instagrammable pastel levels” and who gets to rename the deal “Oppenheimer 2: Diplomatic Boogaloo.” Talks resume next week in Vegas—because what happens in Tehran, stays in Tehran. Allegedly.