In a shocking move that economists and comic book villains alike are calling "a stroke of genius," Donald Trump's latest tariffs on Chinese imports are set to bankrupt Big Tech and inadvertently fund Elon Musk's secret Martian colony. The tariffs, designed to punish China for its unrelenting quest to corner the market on affordable electronics and decorative rugs, will cost tech giants billions. Industry insiders predict that Apple will have to raise iPhone prices to a cool million dollars each, while Amazon is planning to start charging customers for breathing near their products. Meanwhile, Trump has announced that the additional revenue will be used to build a giant wall around Silicon Valley to keep all the tech billionaires from escaping to their underground bunkers. When asked about the plan, Trump tweeted, "It's going to be huge, just huge."