In a stunning display of Middle East real estate mogul diplomacy, Donald Trump is back at it, swapping peace talks for paycheck promises. Rather than tackle the little inconveniences of war, nuclear talks, or humanitarian crises, Trump has wisely decided that the best way to “defeat extremism” is by selling American influence like a used car salesman in Riyadh, Doha, and Abu Dhabi. Forget sandwiches and small talk—this trip is all about billion-dollar deals, with Saudi Arabia casually pledging a mere $600 billion in investments while Qatar and the UAE apparently left their checkbooks at home, promising even more trillions later. Who knew global stability could be won with investment portfolios instead of peace treaties?

Sources close to the deal—or maybe just Trump’s lunch companions—say this strategy signals America’s long-term commitment to the region, conveniently measured in stock options and artificial intelligence contracts rather than diplomacy. And why stop at conventional diplomacy when you can have a Saudi-U.S. investment forum where extremism gets replaced by cultural exchanges, presumably including joint seminars on how to maximize profit margins during a regional crisis? It’s all very comforting to know that while fires rage in Gaza and nuclear negotiations stall, Trump is busy turning the Middle East into the world’s most lucrative shopping spree. Who needs peace when you’ve got business deals worth more than most countries’ GDP?