In a stunning display of presidential multitasking, Donald Trump marked his triumphant return to the Oval Office by signing 130 executive orders faster than a Twitter feud escalates. April 2025 saw the former reality TV star turned commander-in-chief declare a national emergency — not because of aliens or talking robots, but over those pesky trade deficits. His grand strategy? Slap a 10% tariff on every country’s goods, because nothing says “global leadership” like taxing everyone equally until they learn to love American manufacturing again.
Trump’s tariffs work like a charm: countries with the largest trade deficits get an extra dose of economic love, while everyone else gets the baseline 10%. Because if you can’t beat ‘em, charge ‘em more! And when it comes to environmental policy, the administration decisively ended the federal government’s brief love affair with paper straws, reinstating the plastic straw to its rightful place as America’s sipping champion.
Meanwhile, the Federal Executive Institute was quietly sent packing, presumably to make room for Trump’s next big move — perhaps an Oval Office karaoke contest or a 24/7 tanning booth. In his own words, the first 100 days have been an “unbridled success,” which roughly translates to “hold my Diet Coke, I’m just getting started.” Exactly what that means for the nation remains a mystery, but at least the tariffs are in place to keep things interesting.
