"River Plate vs. Boca Juniors: Chickens, Pigs, and a Cabaret of Chaos"
In a thrilling display of not setting things on fire (for once), Buenos Aires’ premier feud—Boca Juniors vs. River Plate—kicks off again, proving that nothing unites Argentina like mutual disdain. Dubbed the “Superclásico” because “Neighborhood Brawl” lacked gravitas, this derby pits Boca’s self-proclaimed “manure collectors” against River’s “Chickens,” a nickname earned after a historic choke job in 1966 that still haunts their poultry-themed nightmares.

The match, a symphony of bouncing stadiums and fireworks that definitely aren’t just cover for barra brava fistfights, remains the only event where “passionate chanting” is code for “roasting your rivals to the tune of Argentine rock anthems.” Rumor has it the real trophy is whichever team’s fans don’t get arrested for repurposing banners as weaponized art installations.

This year’s clash promises the usual: allegations of witchcraft, at least one flare-induced haze, and 90 minutes of soccer occasionally breaking out between chaos. Pro tip: If you hear “Cabaret,” it’s not a review of Boca’s halftime show—just fans mocking their rivals’ theatrical inability to win pretty.