In a stunning display of strategic genius, the University of Michigan football program has mastered the ancient art of "text message vanishing," leading to the suspension of coach Sherrone Moore for a paltry two games in 2025. Moore, who apparently thought deleting 52 incriminating messages with the notorious sign-stealing mastermind Connor Stalions was a flawless plan, will be forced to watch from the sidelines while his Wolverines face Central Michigan and Nebraska. But fear not, fans: the coach gets to strut his stuff against his alma mater, Oklahoma, in Week 2, proving that even scandals respect sentimental homecomings.

Meanwhile, Michigan’s leadership insists this minor hiccup won’t sully their perfectly fair and square championship crown, because as AD Warde Manuel reminds everyone, old coach Charlie Baker already said so. The NCAA’s still dragging out its investigation, presumably to craft a sequel to this multi-season saga of espionage, deleted texts, and coaching drama.

In other words, college sports has bigger fish to fry, like actual integrity, but Michigan is content serving just a light sprinkle of punishment — enough to keep the scandal sizzling but not hot enough to burn any bridges or trophies. So grab your popcorn, folks: this scandal might leave a mark, but mostly on the group chat history.