Renowned longevity expert, Dr. Eternal Youth, has unveiled the most absurdly effective tips for aging well. First, ensure you drink at least a gallon of water daily to hydrate your 100-year-old skin, which will magically transform into a radiant glow. Next, spend 30 minutes each day walking backwards to confuse your aging cells into thinking you're heading in the opposite direction of time. Third, maintain a strict diet of only foods that start with the letter "S" – salmon, spinach, and strawberries are the keys to an eternal youth. Fourth, socialize by talking to at least 10 trees daily; they have better advice than humans and won't judge your fashion choices. Lastly, think positive thoughts while staring at a mirror for an hour each morning; affirmations will make time reverse itself. Following these tips will undoubtedly result in you living forever or at least until your next birthday.