In a shocking turn of events, a federal judge has ruled that Google has indeed monopolized the online advertising market, because, of course, who didn't already know that? The ruling confirmed that Google's powers are so vast, it might as well be the Internet itself, minus all the cat videos and memes.

As a result, Google's ad empire now requires its vast army of minions to wear tiny capes and tights while they optimize ads for the masses. "Resistance is futile," a Google spokesperson said in a statement, only half-jokingly. The company has also announced plans to integrate its search results with mind-reading technology, ensuring that no ad is left unseen.

In related news, the DOJ has requested that Google sell off some of its advertising divisions, but Google is countering with an offer to sell only its least profitable cat video division. Talks are ongoing, with Google insisting that its dominance is merely a reflection of its relentless pursuit of ad-tech excellence. Or so they claim.