The Seattle Mariners’ beloved magician, Julio “J-Rod” Rodríguez, was mysteriously pulled from tonight’s game just 35 minutes before showtime, citing “back tightness.” Team insiders suspect he may have simply overdone it with his latest party trick: carrying the entire city’s hopes and dreams on his shoulders while simultaneously bench-pressing a pitching staff’s worth of anxiety.

Mariners fans, already clutching their lucky rally fries, are now being reassured that J-Rod is “day to day,” a medical term which, in Seattle, means “somewhere between available for a pinch hit and currently in cryo-sleep.” Fear not, loyal followers: if J-Rod can’t play, backup plans include teaching the Mariner Moose to catch fly balls and possibly cloning George Kirby using only bubblegum and expired caffeine pills.

Meanwhile, management insists the team is “fine,” muttering something about “restorative yoga” and “essential oils.” The only thing tighter than J-Rod’s back right now is the grip this city has on its sanity.