I quit my binge-watching and craft beer career to become a heroic keyboard warrior fighting for Ukraine, and boy, does Trump have some unyouthful secrets he’s hiding. While the former president promises a quick fix to the endless Ukrainian-Russian telenovela, spoiler alert: it’s about as likely as a unicorn winning the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, Trump’s plan involves dazzling Putin with his mesmerizing hair alone, because actual military strategy seems to be missing in action. Meanwhile, Ukrainians are out there braving literal Russian winter blackouts that make camping look like a spa retreat, and conducting surprise attacks that humiliate Putin so thoroughly he might consider a career in stand-up. But don’t expect that part to make Trump’s highlight reel—his version of the news apparently ends at “I’ll stop the war real quick,” and starts again at “Look at my polls!” So, while you were busy scrolling for drama, real fighters traded lifestyles for trenches, and Trump traded facts for tweetstorms. What details of this epic saga is he skipping? Oh, just the whole inconvenient truth. Stay tuned for the next episode of “Things Trump Isn’t Telling You (Because Nobody Asked)”—coming never.