In a bold effort to avoid actually watching TV, Disney today announced it will be laying off several hundred of its employees—specifically targeting those who might still remember what a "TV guide" is. The cuts are said to cover marketing, publicity, casting, and even financial operations, because the only thing more outdated than cable TV is math done on paper. Insiders reveal the move comes after executives realized, to their horror, that an increasing number of consumers are choosing streaming platforms over commercials and the occasional free week of HBO. "We had no choice," said a mouse-shaped executive, "people are abandoning traditional TV faster than we can invent new ways to annoy them with theme park price hikes." The company assures everyone this is totally normal for a business where profits are apparently optional and the future is a streaming service no one asked for. Some employees were let go for using the phrase "premiere episode" in a meeting, while others simply forgot to mention the word "Disney+" at least five times an hour. Rest in peace, television—and watch your back, spreadsheets.