In a shocking turn of events, crispy chicken has become the flashpoint in the fast food world, with customers now arming themselves with an arsenal of sauces and napkins. The battle for the crispiest, most divine chicken has turned so fierce that Popeyes and Chick-fil-A are reportedly hiring mercenary chefs to sneak into each other's kitchens and sabotage the fryers.

As tensions escalate, the government has been forced to establish a "Chicken Crisis Management Team" to mediate disputes over who invented the fried chicken sandwich first. Meanwhile, enthusiasts are flocking to underground chicken taste-testing rings, where they settle their differences in fierce sauce-offs. It's getting so intense that local authorities have started distributing complimentary earplugs to residents near fast food joints to protect them from the deafening clucks of disagreement.