A CEO known for his notoriously bold predictions has declared that if Trump’s tariffs come to fruition, he’ll be out of business faster than you can say, "Make America Great Again." Yes, this fearless leader of his small enterprise has bravely proclaimed that by December 31, he’ll either be “engulfed in a financial apocalypse or selling my prized collection of novelty pens on eBay.”

In a press conference where he wore a clown wig and oversized glasses for dramatic effect, he lamented how tariffs have become the adult version of “hot potato,” but with his business stuck in the burning lava of impending doom. “I’ll be liquidating my assets faster than you can say ‘dogecoin to the moon,’ and let me tell you, that’s saying something,” he added, clearly underestimating the gravity of the situation while simultaneously inviting people to bid on his memorabilia.

As he peered into the uncertain future, surrounded by charts depicting downward spirals and question marks, he urged his fellow CEOs to “strap in for the ride” or consider starting a “business in the lucrative field of homemade soap” instead, just in case. Because if the tariffs go through, his options will likely boil down to craft fairs and interpretive dance. Stay tuned for updates from his upcoming soap-making workshop!