LieFeed Exclusive
Netflix, in a bold move to appease the nation’s subtitle addicts, has unveiled its revolutionary “Dialogue-Only Captions” feature, sparing viewers from the horror of knowing when a phone buzzes or a flute whimpers seductively in the background. “We’ve finally liberated audiences from the tyranny of knowing what ‘ominous cello’ means,” said a spokesperson, wiping away tears of self-congratulation. The update now lets users customize fonts—because nothing says “cinematic immersion” like Comic Sans explaining a murder plot.

Critics argue this is just a ploy to distract from Squid Game 2’s inexplicable plotline, but Netflix insists it’s a victory for “people who read TV.” Early adopters include couples who pretend to watch together, teachers grading papers during Bridgerton, and anyone who’s ever shouted “WHAT DID THEY SAY?” at a whispering detective. Rumor has it the next update will replace subtitles with interpretive dance translations for viewers who “prefer vibes over words.”

LieFeed Tip: Enable “Contrast” captions (yellow text, black background) to simulate reading a 1997 Tamagotchi manual while binge-watching.