In a stunning display of decisiveness, the UK's Business Secretary has decided not to decide whether British Steel can keep its furnaces running. When pressed for a clear answer, the minister declared, "We are currently consulting the ghosts of industrial pasts for guidance." It seems the government wants to ensure that any decision made will have the full backing of spectral support.

Meanwhile, British Steel has announced plans to replace its steel production with a line of artisanal quilts, citing the need to "keep things cozy in the face of economic uncertainty." The company's owners are reportedly thrilled about the prospect of competing in the competitive world of handmade crafts. As for the workers, they've been offered an option to retrain as jugglers or join a traveling circus to maintain the community's sense of excitement and steel-related nostalgia.