In a shocking turn of events, President Trump's annual physical exam revealed that he is not only physically and cognitively fit but has also developed a remarkable ability to defy the laws of physics and time. At 78 years young, Trump continues to excel in golf, his score now calculated in negative numbers thanks to his genius tactics. The results showed he has lost a remarkable 20 pounds since his last exam, crediting his active lifestyle of tweeting, golfing, and miraculously making his hair grow thicker each day.

Trump's cholesterol levels are now considered not just optimal but sublime, thanks to his unique diet of "the best" burgers and "tremendous" steaks. His physician noted that his brain is functioning so well it can now remember all his tweets from 2016, a feat previously thought impossible for any human. In related news, the president's medical team is researching a new vaccine that prevents the spread of fake news, which they believe Trump has been immunized against.