In a desperate bid to save Venice's soul, the city is resorting to extreme measures. The historic city, fed up with rising waters and an influx of tourists who seem to think walking backwards while eating gelato is a national pastime, is now offering a new service: "Gondola Therapy." This innovative approach involves gondoliers singing sorrowful tunes to tourists while slowly paddling them out of the city, hoping they'll get bored and leave.

Meanwhile, the local council has announced plans to build a massive, water-repellent dome to protect the city from both floods and the occasional selfie-taking tourist who falls into a canal. The dome will be decorated with a giant "Please Don't Come Here" sign, in the hopes that the message will deter visitors without offending the city's remaining residents.

In related news, the city's famous Rialto Bridge is now offering a toll for anyone who wants to take a selfie on it. The fee? A promise to pack your bags and head to Rome instead.