In a shocking move to ensure college athletes don't get too rich too quickly, President Trump is mulling over an executive order that would limit their name, image, and likeness (NIL) payments. After a heart-to-heart with ex-Alabama coach Nick Saban, who confessed that his top recruits were now more interested in cash than in his coaching wisdom, Trump declared, "Enough is enough We can't have college football players outearning my former reality TV show contestants."

The proposed order might not only cap their earnings but also require athletes to perform in fluorescent jumpsuits during games to reduce individual endorsements. Trump has even floated the idea of a "NIL Olympics," where athletes can compete for modestly sized trophies and slightly used participation medals. Critics argue this could create a system where only those who can still fit into their high school football jerseys get paid. Meanwhile, coaches are lobbying for a clause that mandates all recruits must first get a haircut resembling their coach's before receiving any NIL benefits.