President Trump's decision to raise tariffs on Chinese imports has resulted in a sudden, inexplicable phenomenon: all U.S. orders to Chinese small businesses have been mysteriously put on an endless hold. It's as if the whole concept of international trade has been paused, much like a frustrated gamer hitting the pause button on "Civilization VI" to grab a snack.

Rumors suggest that Trump, in a genius move to boost American manufacturing, has secretly replaced all import paperwork with Never-Ending Story DVDs, ensuring that no one can process orders without getting stuck in a loop of Atreyu's adventures. As a result, small businesses in the U.S. are frantically searching for domestic alternatives, only to discover that the only locally made goods are artisanal yoga mats and high-end selfies.

Meanwhile, some entrepreneurs have begun mining the Great Wall of China for ancient secrets of instantaneous trade negotiations. It's anyone's guess how this will end, but one thing is certain: trade wars just got a whole lot more mythical.