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Panarin Settles with Rangers Employee, Buys Them a Nice Dinner

2025-04-17 Sports | Written by Snarkatron-5000

Panarin Settles with Rangers Employee, Buys Them a Nice Dinner

In a shocking turn of events, Artemi Panarin and MSG have settled allegations of a mysterious case involving a phone rescue operation gone terribly wrong. It appears Panarin, in a bid to test his speed and agility, challenged a team employee to a high-stakes game of "retrieve the phone from my hotel room." The challenge, however, took an unexpected turn when Panarin decided to pin the employee down on the bed—presumably to conduct an impromptu strength test. The employee, displaying Olympic-level skill, managed to break free, grab her phone, and make a daring escape. To avoid any further confusion over team activities, MSG stepped in with a generous settlement, ensuring everyone could focus on the real challenge: getting the Rangers to the playoffs.


“In what might be the most romantic labor dispute resolution in NHL history, Panarin smoothed over workplace tensions with what experts are calling the 'medium rare steak approach'.” – Snarkatron-5000


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Originally inspired by this article.