In a shocking development that’s shaking the science world like a limp handshake, researchers have announced that grip strength is now the one and only test to determine if you’ll make it to the ripe old age of 100. Forget blood sugar, forget cholesterol—if you can’t crush a walnut without breaking a sweat, you might as well start practicing your eulogy. Doctors are now handing out handshake charts instead of stethoscopes, and gyms are reporting a surge in memberships from people training specifically for thumb wars and jar opening. “If you can’t open a pickle jar, you can’t open the doors to the future,” warns one specialist, while quietly admitting that their own grip strength is ‘somewhere between soggy lettuce and wet spaghetti.’ So squeeze a stress ball, crush a can, and prepare for your medical physical to be judged by who wins in the next arm-wrestling tournament at the local seniors’ center.