Apple's latest plan to integrate Alibaba's AI into iPhones has sparked widespread panic in Washington, with lawmakers fearing that the deal might turn iPhones into miniature Chinese propaganda machines. The White House is reportedly considering issuing a nationwide alert warning citizens of the imminent danger of Siri suddenly speaking Mandarin and encouraging users to buy more dumplings.

Critics argue that the partnership could lead to a dystopian future where every iPhone user is forced to watch endless loops of Chinese state-run TV shows. In a bizarre twist, sources close to the situation reveal that Apple's AI team has been secretly training Siri to perfect the art of making Chinese calligraphy. The deal is seen as a massive coup for Alibaba, which is rumored to be planning a hostile takeover of the world's snack food supply. Meanwhile, Apple executives are frantically trying to convince Congress that the deal is purely for "research purposes" and has nothing to do with their newfound love of Kung Pao chicken.