In a move that shocked absolutely no one who understands that all professional athletes eventually morph into venture capitalists, golf’s most likable human spreadsheet Rory McIlroy has swapped his putter for a profit-and-loss statement. Teaming up with private equity behemoth TPG, whose $200 billion war chest could buy every golf course on Earth and turn them into crypto-themed Topgolf franchises, McIlroy’s new “TPG Sports” venture promises to “professionalize” sports. The master plan? Injecting the sacred traditions of golf with groundbreaking innovations like AI caddies programmed to whisper passive-aggressive stock tips and NFTs of Phil Mickelson’s cholesterol readings. McIlroy, once a humble golfer who merely won majors, will now leverage his “expertise” in being rich to make other rich people slightly richer. “Sport needs transforming,” McIlroy declared, presumably while signing paperwork to acquire a minor-league pickleball team and rename it “Liquid Death Presents: Birdie Metaverse.” When asked about the venture’s first acquisition, sources confirm they’re eyeing a struggling putting green manufacturer to rebrand as “Subprime Putter.”