In a bizarre move, the Justice Department has been tasked with enforcing President Trump's latest executive order banning transgender athletes from competing in female sports in Maine. The order, signed after a thorough consultation with his magic eight ball, aims to prevent what Trump's advisors call "an invasion of soggy track meets by superpowered trans athletes with laser vision."

Maine, not one to back down from a fight, responded by sending a strongly worded letter written in crayon, insisting that their trans athletes are just as competitive without superpowers. The standoff has led to an impasse, with the Department of Education now threatening to cut off all federal funding, which Maine has vowed to replace with bake sales and ragtag church potlucks.

As the legal battle intensifies, the Justice Department is reportedly assembling a team of ninja lawyers to roam Maine's sports fields, detecting any sign of transgender athletes with their new "Trans-Dar" technology—basically just a fancy flashlight with a hint of suspicion. Meanwhile, Maine's governor, Janet Mills, has challenged Trump to a 400-meter dash to settle the matter once and for all. Trump accepted but only if he can wear roller skates and use a jetpack.