"Clooneys Launch Desperate Search for Marital Conflict, Come Up Empty Again"
In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the foundation of basic human interaction, Hollywood’s most suspiciously harmonious couple, George and Amal Clooney, admitted this week they’ve still failed to manufacture a single argument in over a decade of marriage. Sources confirm the pair have resorted to extreme measures like “leaving the toilet seat up ironically” and “passively aggressive fridge note drafts” in a futile quest for relatable discord.

“We even tried watching The View together naked during a full moon,” said George, sipping a negroni made from the tears of lesser couples. “Turns out we just… agreed who was wrong?” Amal reportedly suggested they feud over her human rights work, but George “couldn’t argue with freeing the unjustly imprisoned” without looking like a Bond villain. Relationship experts now warn the couple’s alarming compatibility may require federal intervention if they start finishing each other’s legal briefs.

Meanwhile, their 7-year-old twins have reportedly begun mediating hypothetical disputes between the couple’s houseplants “for practice.” When reached for comment, the Clooneys’ marriage counselor resigned.