Forget TV shows, movies, or even entire streaming platforms—it's time we elevate each actress from The Hours to full-on cult leader status. Nicole Kidman isn’t just Virginia Woolf; she’s the prophet of proto-feminist book clubs where everyone promptly cries over purple prose and then meditates on lighthouse symbolism until someone starts chanting “Mrs. Dalloway.” Julianne Moore’s Laura Brown doesn’t just bake a cake; she bakes your soul into a revolutionary pastry ring that will have you questioning suburban domesticity while donning a smock and holding a rolling pin like a sacred relic. And Meryl Streep as Clarissa Vaughan? She’s the queen of existential brunches where every mimosa is a ritual and every canapé a metaphor for emotional repression.
Each cult promises weekly meetings where members fervently debate who’s the most emotionally repressed, with guest speakers ranging from imaginary versions of Virginia Woolf to animated tea kettles that spill existential dread instead of tea. Forget true crime podcasts, these cults are all about true emotional unraveling. The only escape? Literary therapy sessions led by Toni Collette as Kitty, where you’re encouraged to sob into vintage typewriters and confess to imaginary lovers. The cults will sell merch like “I Survived The Hours and All I Got Was This Overwhelming Sense of Melancholy” T-shirts, and maybe a “Time Is a Flat Circle” enamel pin or two.
In short, if you thought cults couldn’t get classier or more literary, these ladies are here to prove you wrong—one emotionally fraught gathering at a time.
