In a world where computers have finally solved sports, ESPN’s latest “College Football Power Index” drops, revealing that every human hunch, gut feeling, and parking-lot prediction is now officially wrong. According to the sacred math, Texas, Georgia, and Alabama have somehow tied for “Most Secretly Overrated by Their Own Fans,” while Ohio State graciously allows Penn State to finish fourth in everyone’s hearts and fifth on the scoreboard. The FPI’s sophisticated algorithms—which apparently include a Magic 8-Ball and an intern’s sandwich order—predict that the best upcoming matchups are between Alabama and gravity (loss for gravity), Texas and the dictionary definition of irony (predicted to be a blowout), and Georgia and the concept of modesty (also a crushing defeat). Championship odds are now just lottery tickets with better press, and the real winners? The accountants calculating the odds themselves. Fans are invited to trust the numbers, but given the recent rise of robots running plays, we may soon see a quarterback made entirely of binary code.