Capital One and Discover Merge to Form Financial Thunderdome
In a move that’s either genius or a plotline rejected from The Hunger Games, regulators finally greenlit Capital One’s hostile takeover of Discover, cementing its reign as the undisputed credit card overlord of subprime America. Sources confirm the $35 billion deal was approved after Capital One CEO Richard Fairbank whispered “What’s in your wallet?” into a regulator’s ear three times backward. The combined entity will now control one-third of the credit card market for borrowers who’ve ever maxed out a card to buy gas station sushi.

Discover, once the plucky underdog that Sears forgot in a mall in 1987, will now answer to Capital One’s army of leather-clad “Wallet Warriors.” Customers can expect zero changes to their accounts, except for all future payments being processed via interpretive dance. The Federal Reserve, in a rare moment of comedy, fined Discover $100 million for overcharging fees since 2007—roughly $5 per customer, refundable in the form of sternly worded apology emails.

Post-merger, Capital One plans to introduce its new flagship card: the Infinite Spendulum, which automatically declines all transactions but mails you a participation trophy. Analysts predict the company’s next acquisition target is the concept of financial literacy, which it plans to dismantle by 2026.