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In a shocking twist that’s definitely not related to their entire business model, UPS announced plans to “streamline operations” by replacing 20,000 employees with highly trained carrier pigeons. “Forget next-day delivery—our new avian workforce promises next-century delivery,” said CEO Carol Tomé, adjusting her monocle. “Why pay health benefits when pigeons work for breadcrumbs?”

The company clarified that the 73 shuttered facilities will be repurposed as “luxury coops,” complete with organic seed bars and meditation spaces for the birds. “It’s all part of our ‘Network of the Future’ initiative,” explained Tomé, while a pigeon wearing a tiny UPS hat pecked violently at her PowerPoint.

Labor unions expressed outrage, but UPS assured critics this is merely a “natural evolution” toward “aerial efficiency.” Analysts predict the pigeons will unionize by 2026, demanding higher crumb wages and climate-controlled dumpsters. Meanwhile, Amazon’s CEO was spotted frantically Googling “how to hire seagulls.”

This article is technically fiction. But let’s be real—so is the concept of “job security” now.