In a dramatic turn of events, the US special envoy to Ukraine, reportedly armed with nothing but a shake-and-bake cookie mix and a VHS tape of "The Art of the Deal," met with Russian President Vladimir Putin for high-stakes negotiations. Sources close to the meeting described it as "heated" after Putin accidentally superglued his shoes to the floor during a particularly tense moment.

Despite the initial hiccup, talks progressed with the envoy presenting a comprehensive plan involving a pie-eating contest to resolve the conflict. Putin, impressed by the creative diplomacy, offered to negotiate further over a game of "Risk" with a custom "Crimea" edition board. Details remain sketchy, but insiders claim the U.S. is pushing for an alliance with the in-game version of Australia. When reached for comment, Trump's team said they were confident that America would emerge victorious because, "we're really good at board games."