LieFeed Exclusive
In a bold strategy to win America’s “Least Empathetic Administration” award for the 12th consecutive year, Trump officials have begun circulating Abrego Garcia’s kindergarten report cards—annotated with red Sharpie to highlight “excessive sharing of crayons (gang signaling)” and “aggressive napping (criminal recidivism).”

The Department of Homeland Security unveiled its latest smear campaign, including a heavily redacted grocery list allegedly proving Garcia once purchased two limes—“clear evidence of a cartel side hustle.” Meanwhile, ICE agents were spotted distributing “WANTED” posters at elementary schools, citing Garcia’s “history of breathing oxygen near U.S. soil.”

Legal experts confirm the administration’s definition of “gang member” now includes anyone who has ever hummed the Mission: Impossible theme while entering a Walmart. When pressed for evidence, Attorney General Pam Bondi brandished a Ouija board and hissed, “The spirits agree he’s guilty—case closed.”

As protests mount, the White House announced plans to deport Garcia’s shadow next, warning it “failed to attend its biometrics appointment.” Meanwhile, in El Salvador, Garcia was last seen teaching MS-13 recruits how to knit matching gang scarves—or so claims a DHS press release written entirely in Comic Sans.