Days-Long ‘Dark Retreats’ Are the Newest Spiritual Conquest for Tech Elites

In the latest bid to outdo each other in the quest for spiritual superiority, tech elites are now flocking to 'dark retreats'—a practice that involves locking oneself in a lightless cave for days. Because what's more enlightened than stumbling around in the dark, wondering if you've found your laptop or just stepped on a pizza?

These retreats, inspired by ancient Tibetan practices, are designed to awaken higher states of consciousness. Or, as one participant put it, "I finally realized my true self is a walking, talking, caffeine-deprived zombie who can't find the bathroom." The retreats are so intense, participants can synthesize 'spirit molecules' in their brains, which basically means they start seeing visions of their untouched email inbox.

The ultimate goal? To transcend the need for Wi-Fi and become one with the void. Because, let's face it, nothing says spiritual growth like not being able to check your phone for a week.