In a stunning move, the Miller family has decided to shell out a whopping $600 million to buy Real Salt Lake and the Utah Royals, because clearly, what their lives were missing was a football field's worth of turf and a bunch of sweaty jerseys. The deal includes not just the teams, but also a collection of cool sports-related stuff like America First Field and the Zions Bank Stadium, effectively making them the landlords of Utah's soccer scene.

David Blitzer, being the gracious owner he is, has graciously decided to stick around as a minority shareholder. He's presumably staying to ensure that no one starts selling too many overpriced hot dogs or that the teams' sponsors don't switch to exclusively serving vegan snacks.

Steve Starks, the CEO of the Larry H. Miller Company, expressed his excitement, stating, "We're over the moon to be involved in something that requires such a vast amount of grass maintenance." He also promised to bring more "community spirit" to the teams, which in this case means dressing up as a giant soccer ball at matches and leading chants of "We're number... well, somewhere."