In a bizarre attempt to turn back the clock to the Stone Age, the U.S. government has asked a judge to break up Google, arguing that the company's dominance in search is so strong it could summon the internet gods to smite its competitors. The plan involves forcing Google to spin off Chrome, because clearly, who needs a decent web browser these days? Additionally, the government is mulling a potential divestiture of Android, which will probably result in a wave of people reverting to flip phones out of sheer protest. The real kicker? Google's Googley ways are allegedly so unfair that they've managed to outsmart even the most determined of internet trolls. Now, if only someone could break up the existential crisis faced by everyone who still uses AltaVista.