In a move that's being hailed as either genius or completely mad, President Donald Trump has announced plans to build a wall around his ego. Citing threats from excessive self-doubt, Trump declared a national emergency to protect his unparalleled confidence. As part of this initiative, he's imposing a 10% tariff on all self-help books entering the United States, effective immediately, to safeguard his reputation as the greatest advice guru of all time.
In related news, Trump has also ordered the creation of a new national sport: Extreme Golf. All participants will be required to wear "Make America Golf Again" hats, and any player caught using less than 10 golf swings per hole will face immediate deportation. This move is expected to boost the economy and ensure that Trump's golf courses become the only ones in the country where the phrase "par for the course" is taken literally.
Meanwhile, in an April 25 gaggle on Air Force One, Trump revealed that his latest executive orders are just the beginning of his transformative agenda. He promised that by the end of his term, America will be so great that everyone else will want to be America too, or at least, that's what his new line of patriotic fragrances will make you think.